Tomorrow (April 14) are the final Parent-Teacher Conferences. Over three decades in education in various roles, I have been a part of many of these nights. Having two children as well, I have the added perspective of the conference-night experience as a father. And at this point – even for our fifth grade families – all of us have had a Spectrum Conference Night and have ideas that come to mind when we think about conferences.
The brain learns from experiences, both positive and negative, and it creates both positive and negative outcomes. When within that experience there is discomfort, it can lead to more discomfort in the future, but it also can lead to confidence. Our brain needs “hard-stuff” experiences in order to wire itself to be confident. The natural discomforts of childhood create this foundation. Kids love to explore, and when they do, both friends and family typically are encouraging and do not shy them away from challenges. If a child falls down, he is encouraged to get up. If she struggles reading out loud, patience is offered to sound it out and keep going. If a friend is on the short-end of some rude behaviors, multiple friends recognize this and speak up, defending the friend and telling that person to stop. But this seems to change when adolescence arrives. There is less exploration and more isolation, fewer attempts to try something new so as to avoid failure, peers become observers or participants in the rude behaviors, and when mistakes are made, they become less about rewiring the brain to be confident and more about being anxious.
Each week I am presented opportunities to support both parents and students. I am there to build confidence and fight the tendency to avoid this discomfort. Instead, I lean into it because if I accommodate (do not assign the consequence, change the schedule or test score, ignore the disrespect or misuse of technology), the exposure to grow from life’s challenges is wasted. If I accommodate, instead of having the belief that I can do this when the next painful moment arrives, there is the fear that I cannot.
(NOTE: there are times when we do need the support of others stepping in. At those times, communication and collaboration are critical in finding what will work best while still empowering the belief that I am capable.)
With the best of intentions, the well-meaning rescue of accommodations actually can be harmful: Anxiety produces anxiety. But bravery can produce bravery, and it is contagious, cultivating a culture of confidence. Go back to a childhood memory. It typically is not hard for a parent to recall an experience when the child ran off to play, dove into the lake, or tried something new. Just because adolescence is here, we should not steal the learning from the pain of life. We must model and be the brave we wish to cultivate, even if that means having our own discomfort. No parent wants to see his child sad or hurt, but instead of rescuing, simply be: Be there, listen, offer only if necessary, and do not act. Let the rewiring happen on its own with your child knowing you are present. If grownups can change their behaviors from prioritizing comfort through accommodations to prioritizing confidence through practice, life’s challenges can create a community of confidence.
Conferences are here. We love it when you attend, but let us collaborate to create a new experience, one that is memorable because it is foundational. If your child is doing well, celebrate and challenge; strive for excellence through learning with different perspectives and with unknown opportunities. If your child is stumbling, reward when steps are attempted toward bravery; offer support and inquire how to best demonstrate this help in actionable steps. Approach the night to not have the same conferences from the past; rather, lean into the errors or create the unknown that are at your child’s Zone of Proximal Development (a “fancy” educational term that is the range of tasks a learner cannot yet perform independently but can achieve with guidance). If we do this, our confident learning community will contagiously create bravery and a stronger tomorrow.
Weeks at a Glance
- Trimester 3 Conferences - Tuesday, April 14, starting at 3:00 pm
- Math MCAs - Tuesday, April 14 - Friday, April 17 am
- Student-Athlete Academic Warning - Wednesday, April 15