As a father, there have been numerous moments in my children’s lives that I have thoroughly enjoyed. Even in the times that have been challenging, once we were able to navigate through them, I came to realize that there were moments of enjoyment even among them as well. My hope is that there was some learning as I directed, redirected, coached, and supported them. They had looked to me, and I made a teachable moment with them.
It does matter how we talk to our children. They presume you have their best interest at heart, so it is important that our words back this belief. When they were very young, for example, and fell down, they looked at the adult to see the reaction and gauge a matching response. If they saw and heard encouragement (You are all right! Get up! You got this!), they would typically get up and keep going or make another effort. They were “taking the temperature” of that situation and then using it for future similar situations. One moment threads itself to the next, hopefully creating confidence and self-reliance. They were in Discover Mode, taking risks, trying new things, and finding their limits while defining their comfort zone.
These thoughts and actions do not go away in adolescence. Teens still look to adults to see reactions and gauge their responses. If no adult is present, they have to figure it out for themselves. They have to rely on their experiences and navigate the situation on their own. When adults are present, the outcomes often differ based on the situation and if the situation is solved for them. A reliance can be created on someone else to handle the situation. Dependency and an expectation that someone else will take over happens a lot. Now, it is good to help others, especially children and adolescents, but the best approach is to expect high standards and then offer high levels of support so they can meet the challenges themselves: I am all right! Get up! I got this!
During passing time, I watched a girl swing her binder up in the air and clock her friend on the side of the head. The friend instantly grabbed her ear in pain, and the girl did not know what to do. She probably should not have done it in the first place, but tween brains are not always thinking through their actions. She probably should have apologized, but she was embarrassed to have acted so poorly. So she looked to her friend to gauge her response. And while it had to have hurt, the friend appeared to tell her she was all right, so they continued on to their class. Was this a moment for either of these girls? Would it have been one if an adult was present? If the adult had been and intervened (assigning a consequence on one hand or coaching her on the other with many other options in between), how would the outcome have been shaped? Would a teachable moment have happened?
Now my children are in their twenties. I still want to shape or at least influence futures, but they no longer look to me to gauge their responses from my reactions to situations. They no longer even ask me questions or at least limit the amount of questions to what they once did. (I believe they know what my answers will be.) I am proud to say that we do have conversations instead. They seek advice or feedback, knowing that we all have high standards and that we offer whatever support is needed whenever it is needed. Sometimes they just want me to listen, and together we form a response: “Boy, that sounds tough, but you are all right! Get up! You got this!” They look to me, and we make a moment with each other.
Weeks at a Glance
- Spectrum Theater performs Mary Poppins - Friday, March 13 @ 7 PM, Saturday, March 14 @ 2 PM & 7 PM, and Sunday, March 15 @ 2 PM
- Teacher Professional Development - Monday, March 16: No school