Working with preteens and teens, a constant area in development is boundaries as kids learn limits within different contexts and situations and as they define and confirm themselves. Becky Kennedy, a clinical psychologist, writes, “...kids have always pushed limits and asked for things that aren’t good for them; in fact, this is part of kids doing their job, as they’re meant to explore the world and figure out the ‘edges’ or limits.” In middle school it is expected that friendships come and go, interests are super-strong one year and then seem to disappear the next, and what is a favorite, all-immersive activity suddenly disappears. The conversations, experiences, friendships, and memories that surround these situations create the student’s core values. The boundaries that define them are foundational.
Think about it: more often than not, an adult’s memories of the middle years are social-emotional rather than on anything content-related. They are powerful memories, and they can be positively long-lasting when the connected feelings of the situation are validated. Kennedy again: “Here’s why boundary setting – early and often – is so important: when the day comes that our kids ask for a phone or for Instagram, our approach will not be isolated to some universally recognized ‘media policy’ we have as parents; our approach will be simply be an extension of the way we’ve always interacted with our kids around their wants and requests.” When the teen has frustrated feelings over not getting something desired but also has those feelings validated, the boundary is set, and not only does it impact the moment but it also can define and impact future moments as well.
Part of what makes Spectrum Middle School special is how we talk to students. We call this “coaching.” When a student pushes those limits of the classroom or school, we coach them on not only the consequences but also the feelings so s/he knows what is expected going forward. The time spent to process what is essentially “boundary-defining” makes the incident a learning opportunity. Sometimes it is something “big” (substantial in severity or urgency), but mostly is mundane and “small” (horseplay, disruption, or being off-task). But by partnering with them on the identification of the boundaries (perspective, context, situation, etc.), students learn they are supported and what it looks like to be successful when choosing to do what is right in our learning community. We ask, “How are you?” with genuine interest in hearing the response. We often do not get a response or much of a response, but it is in the student hearing that we see her/him and care that the boundary becomes foundational. When we then ask, “What do you need?” a bridge is created, they are comfortable asking for help, and both trust and confidence are formed, all leading to greater success whether for academics or behaviors.
Fall conferences are here this week. This is a time when the “three-legged stool” (teacher, student, and staff: counselor, dean, or principal) can become four (+ parent/guardian) if it is not already four-legged. Infinite Campus and Schoology are tools for families to know about assignments, scores, and progress, but face-to-face dialogue allows everyone the opportunity to find out the boundaries behind those scores, to hear collectively work on answering “What do you need,” to partner in creating stronger moments for future success.
Kennedy one last time: “Think about yourself like a pilot who always has the right to return to base should the skies be more turbulent than expected – in fact, this is something passengers would want a pilot to do, even if they seem annoyed in the moment. You are the pilot of your family plane – and while your kids will never thank you outright for changing your rules, they will, years later, very much benefit from your sturdiness and acts of protection.” If all has gone well the first quarter of the year, conversations can be around pushing a bit beyond a comfort zone to create experiences that extend boundaries. But if there have been the common challenges associated in pushing the limits this year, maybe there can be some conversations around routines, organization, and self-advocating. Maybe conversations are needed to reestablish and make clear the boundaries, returning the “plane” to the base to begin again with a fresh set of fuel and tools for a more successful flight.
Please join us this Thursday or next Tuesday. We will connect and inquire how things are going (“How are you?”), and we will be ready with “What do you need now?”
Weeks at a Glance
- Thursday, November 7 - Parent/Teacher Conferences 3:00-4:30 & 5:00-6:30 pm
- Friday, November 8 - Student Council November Spirit Event: Open Gym 3:00-4:30 pm
- Monday, November 11 - Veterans Day Program 1:15 - 2:24 pm
- Tuesday, November 12 - Parent/Teacher Conferences 3:00-4:30 & 5:00-6:30 pm
- Join the Spectrum Family! Enrollment Now Open for 2025-2026